Charades

If I were to be honest, I would tell you how much I miss you.

If I were to be true to myself, I’d choose to spend time with you.

If I were not confused, I’d say with all certainty and sincerity that it is you.

And if I were strong enough, I’d bare my heart and soul to you even if it would mean vulnerability.

But I’m not. I still have that old habit of playing charades. Stopping would signify the possibility of fatality. The game has become my veil to mask my fear for what’s real.

You, yourself love to play this game. I know why. It is because you also know that there is no wonder or prestige, or even bliss at the very least, in being a fool. There will only be hurt and sorrow.

But I’m starting to get tired of this silly game. Haven't you?

It hurts me to know that I can't have the things that I want most. Especially when I think I deserve it.

Not a Love Story

I admit, everything came rushing back to me the moment he stood by my side. I remembered the reasons why I liked him. I remembered how it felt being with him.

There’s always this sense of security, like no matter what happened, I know that he’ll be there to take care of me. I know that he’d understand my immaturity and if he sees my worst, he will still accept me without any hesitation. He also made me feel like I can go places, that I can turn my dreams into reality if I put enough effort and determination to it. He made me better.

It was not long when I understood that what I know to be true were just illusions. Or maybe my expectations were just too much. Either way, it hurt me and I wasn’t ready for the pain.

In that short moment that he stood there right by my side, everything came rushing back to me, like seeing a romantic movie all over again. Only this time, I know that it is actually a tragedy.

Choice.

"Two roads diverged in a wood and I--

Took the road less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

-Robert Frost

I wish at the end of it all I could say the same

I realized that there’s just so much truth in the saying “It’s always easier said than done.”  A few months ago, I was in that exact same position.  Lost. Confused. Heck, I was ready to flip a coin and let it decide for what I envisioned as my “grand” destiny.

It’s hard enough to choose from two different paths, knowing how it can change me and my whole life. To make matters worse, these fork roads never seem to stop existing.

Whenever I try to look beyond the path for every less-traveled-by road that I chose, it’s always like seeing my pot of gold, only it vanishes just when I thought I’m about to reach it. As I take another step, as I go deeper and deeper, nearer and nearer, one by one, my butterflies of hope and my garden of faith starts to wither and vanish. I’m afraid that soon enough as everything starts to crumble right before my very eyes; I’ll forget the reason why I’m at this exact same position right now. I’m trying to hang on to what’s left of the same hope and the same faith that brought me to this place, believing against all the odds that someday it will make all the difference.

Buang

I now have a new commitment and that is to blog at least once a week. Just now, I was rummaging my brain for a post-worthy topic for my blog only to find out that my brain's too cluttered for it to think clearly. 

Shame. 

My apologies to Paula for she will be reading a very senseless blog post tonight. Please give me time to adjust. My brain got a bit rusty you know. It still needs some warming up. hehe. Hope you understand.

Rant

"And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

- The Alchemist

Well, not today honey. It's too bad that it seems like the universe hasn't gone back from vacation. Cause if it did, I would've gotten my dream job. i'm riding solo for now.

I'm trying to do everything that i can in order for me to get my dream job. I admit, I was confused back then. It was with my own decision that I got in this shit hole in the first place. But haven't I suffered enough? It has been two weeks already and the company that I applied to hasn't called me for my final interview. As pathetic as it sounds, I'm still hoping against hope that i still have a shot at it. At this point, waiting is the hardest thing to do for me. I don't know until when I can or when I could hold on before I lose my last ounce of hope.

Rise From The Dead

Type test....type test.....man, this is harder than I thought! I haven't written anything on my blog for ages! I admit, I have been so caught up with the radical changes in my life, both personal and professional, that I've ignored my pangs for blogging. Now I'm struggling on making my thoughts coherent. Tsk. A really big price to pay  if you ask me.

Now, where to start?

I'm not happy and I'm not exactly sad either. So where does that put me? I have no idea. I have been feeling a lot of emotions all at the same time lately that my brain already stopped giving logical explanation to everything.

Honestly, I don't know what to write. I'm just typing whatever's popping out of my head right now.

And then there was nothing.